3 surprising things about grief and how to harness the power of loss
In my 43 years I have lost my father and sister at an early age, my mother just before the birth of my own daughter and my best friend (since 9 years old) who chose alcohol as a way of escape and sadly died before my mum. I have had two miscarriages – often overlooked but a form of loss that hurts just the same.
I have suffered more than most but as I recently heard – suffering has no hierarchy. We all have a great deal of pain and suffering in our lives.
The most surprising fact about my life is I have learned how to shift and alchemise pain into strength and a powerful force that’s propelled me forward to help create a remarkable life. This is totally possible for everyone, and yet it goes unnoticed by so many.
So here goes.
Pain must be felt
There is no use in glossing over it, hiding under it or pushing it aside. As humans we do this in multiple ways: we drink, we take drugs (sadly big pharma is all too ready to help), we watch TV, we look for unsuitable relationships. We buy shit we don’t need and are prepared to do a lot of work to avoid our impermissible feelings. And yet, feeling our feelings is an infinitely easier way than pain.
Feeling the pain
Breath into it. Allow it to simply be. Don’t judge it. Don’t fight it. Allow it to wash over you. You may feel a multitude of feelings in the process. Anger, denial and guilt. You may feel like you are going to drown in the depth of the pain. Feelings of guilt may be prevalent. Don’t add any stories to what you are feeling, keep it clear and clean. Then something magical happens. As easily as it came, It will dissipate. Grief is like a wave that if handled well can wash over you, if you let it. If you mishandle it, the wave will crash against you and knock you down into the depths of the sea.
Tools that can support the process: EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and Breathwork. RTT
(Rapid transformation Therapy), yoga and exercise also work.
Remember you have a choice
Your mind does exactly what it thinks you want it to do. It’s a fact. So if you are constantly telling yourself ‘I will never get over this’ or ‘This pain is killing me’ guess what? It will drag you down further into the sea.
Be gentle with yourself and your words and actions
This is likely the hardest time of your life. Decide how you want to be. ‘This person lived’ Yes, it’s really hard that they’ve gone. I will make sure I take good care of myself. ‘Be gentle with myself. This is what my loved one would have wanted for me’ Is a better dialogue to begin to adopt over time. Your mind and body will follow.
Remember, grief has no timeline. If you’re still feeling the wave of grief even several years later, keep going back to
- Feeling the pain
- Being gentle with your soul
As the world renowned expert on Grief David Kessler answers the question “How long will the grief last?” he will gently reply “Well, how long will the person be dead?”
Share your story with others. Examine your thoughts with a gentle curiosity. If at any point you feel you are unable to take care of yourself or others, seek professional help.
Harness the pain
“Grief is just love with no place to go.” wrote Jamie Anderson. I managed to find a place for this love to go. Remember that love is a powerful force beyond anything else. If you can’t direct it outwards then direct it inwards. Amplify the love you have for yourself, for your life. The powerful force is the same. I like to imagine that for each loss I have experienced a powerful flame gets added to my own, that burns deep within my heart.
This flame builds courage, resilience and a meaningful gratitude for life. It allowed me to see with fresh eyes the beauty of life – the beauty that my loved ones would be missing is now multiplied through me.
At the point of loss all else dissipates. Worries that once felt true, no longer feel important. They fade away. What we are left with is the truest essence of life. Love.
Lazara Canton is a Mindset Healer. She works with individuals and groups to facilitate positive mindset shifts and deep healing. By identifying pain points in their lives, she can help you transform this pain into power, to create a life you will love.
“Love is the bridge between you and everything.” Rumi